Wednesday, June 15, 2011

I Just Want To Fix This

Last night we cried. Matt wrote me a scathing e-mail. He claims we've been doing it my way for years. He changed jobs in 2007. He went from a sometimes 1&1/2 hour commute to a 1/2 hour commute and, yes, we finally were able to save money and save for our future and a future family. But Matt says it's because I didn't want to stick to a budget. He said I would regularly drop large sums of money without batting an eyelid. Now he's asking me to limit spending so he can have his apartment. Matt makes it sound as if we were in debt! We're far from it with several thousands in a savings account alone and thousands always in checking!I didn't know he never wanted to leave the other job. Why didn't he say something?

Matt feels if he had cried out for help, when it comes to me and my depression, no one would have responded. He based this on when I told family and friends about my depression. I received no outpouring of help and support from either family or friends. He feels no one helped him and no one helped me. But I don't think we ever communicated that we needed help. He feels no one's ever stood up for him, including himself. But I have, especially during this process. I have stood up and defended him when family and friends begin to trash talk. I know that's their way of being protective, but it doesn't do me any good to hear such negativity and I dislike people talking bad about my husband, because I still love him. He feels that he has always put himself last out of concern of hurting other people, but it only ended up hurting himself. Why didn't he communicate how he was feeling? Why didn't he get help when I asked he join a support group for those living with someone with depression?

Matt typed the words, "Yes, I want to get a divorce." in the e-mail. The first time he's ever typed the words and the closest he's come to saying them to my face while looking into my eyes. The thing is, ever since I've been released from hospital care, I've talked about how I want things to be different. I've talked about how I want to put him first for once. I've said how I want to do the things he wants to do and enjoy together. Why won't he try? I'm so heart broken. He says I should accept the reality of the situation we're in, but I can't. I can't let go. Am I in denial? I don't think so. I guess I feel this way because I feel I haven't tried fixing it. If he would just let me in. I just want to fix this, remove the pain he feels, replace it with the love I have for him.

After I read Matt's e-mail I was in tears. How could he bring up these past issues? Issues I thought we moved past. Issues I thought were in our past. But he held onto them. He didn't keep them there in the past. He remained carrying the hurt around all without telling me a thing, which isn't fair to me.  But he's suffered through so much. He never once spoke up with a firmness in what he wants, at least it didn't appear that way to me. I know I'm not controlling, I would have listened if he had just spoke up. Matt has said for some time now that he feels like he plays the role of a pleaser. I feel I'm being penalized now for him not standing up for what he wants and believes in the past.

I was bawling. I couldn't e-mail Matt back. It's not getting my point across and, frankly, it's really a cowards way of communicating when it comes to serious matters like this. We really should be talking face to face. It's time I finally got answers. I picked up the telephone and called Matt, but he wouldn't answer. The more I called there still was no answer and I cried more and more. At times I felt like I was right on the edge of another panic attack. An hour or so later he finally picked up the phone. I tried speaking, but he couldn't understand me through my tears. After repeating myself three times he still couldn't understand me. I just got frustrated, hung up the phone and tossed it on the couch...or at least I thought I hung up.

Matt listened to me cry. He stayed on the phone while I cried, while I prayed to God, while I cried some more, spoke more to God. I'm not sure if he heard a word I said, but he did hear me cry...and Matt cried too. In a way, I wish he'd heard my prayer because a lot of it was praying for him, his heart, his pain. About 45 minutes later I noticed the phone was off the hook. I picked up the telephone and Matt was crying...bawling. We cried together. I apologized for being so angry lately. He said he doesn't want this to get vindictive. I told him I just can't let go and he knew that. We both agreed it's time to talk. Whether face to face, just the two of us, or with a marriage therapist together, it's time to talk and get answers and address matters.

I don't know if it will change a thing, but at least we'll be talking. I just want to fix everything, take away his pain and make it better. I hate this depression of mine. It's ruined so much of my life. Sometimes I ask, why has God forsaken me?

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