I'm so angry lately. They say with a death there is a grieving process. Since this feels a lot like a death, am I stuck in the anger stage? The past week and a half I've just been so angry with Matt. Sad & Angry. I've talked to Matt on the telephone twice and just blown my top. That's so unlike me. I've never talked so angry toward my husband before. We've always been calm, even when we disagree. My friends and family say it was about time, that I was being too nice to Matt. Maybe I was because I felt like he was so fragile. As soon as I talk about serious issues he bottles up and doesn't talk back but with a, "Yep" and a "Uh-huh". I don't know how much sinks in. The difficult thing is that each conversation where I've gotten so angry, we end up having a good and calm conversation in the end and I find out more of how Matt's feeling than I think I have in years!
Here's something that I've felt is so backwards. We come into this world not picking our family. (Some may feel otherwise on this topic, but I don't think you do, but that's besides the point.) We don't choose our siblings, we don't choose our parents. Yet, we are attached and bonded to them for the rest of our lives, for most people. They may do things that hurt us and we eventually forgive them, but for most of us we don't give up on them. Right? Then we get married. We choose to spend the rest of our lives with that one person. Sickness, health, better, worse, good times, bad. Then some of us have kids. We don't get to choose who our kids are and who they will be when they grow up. Yet as parents, most of us love and never give up on our kids. They may hurt us, disappoint us and all those things, but most of us love and don't give up on them.
So my point is, all those people we don't get to choose who will be attached to us for the rest of our lives. Yet, the one person we CAN choose. The one person we choose to live with for the rest of our lives and we live with them the longest overall, is also the one person that is easiest to walk away from. Promising to spend forever with them was what? A lie? The one person you choose to spend forever with. It's so backwards, don't you think? Why is that?
I know it's a different kind of love, but in my case, it's just so frustrating because I feel like I got the atomic bomb dropped on me one day and all I want to do is fix it. But first, I don't know what to fix, and second, he doesn't appear to want to fix it. It's so frustrating in life when other people won't put in the work that's required of them.
These are my thoughts for this Monday. Thanks to all for your kind words, love and prayers.