March 20, 2011 my world stopped spinning. The rug was pulled out from under me. I was blindsided. It felt like my husband rowed me out into the middle of an ocean, dumped me overboard and along came Hurricane New Life and I'm still being tossed around inside the hurricane not knowing where it's going to stop, where it's going to spit me out and where and when I'm going to land.
That night I knew, he was going to leave me. He was going to leave us. Panic struck my heart and soul. I couldn't control it and I now know it was a panic attack. But during the panic attack I thought, "Well...there's pills in the house.", but I never went to get them. I never had a plan. No notes were written, no action was taken. I just didn't have the will to go on with life.
Quickly I reacted. I'd experienced a panic attack in the past and Matt, my husband, was able to calm me down. He was my rock. I needed him just to help calm me. He could not...no he would not...be there for me. Sometimes I really dislike cell phones. Sometimes I really loath text messaging, which is how he chose to tell me he could not talk. He'd gone to a hotel Friday night and was taking the weekend to form his thoughts into words because he couldn't talk to me or answer any of my questions. Little did I know he was already taking action.
In the middle of this panic attack, sweating unbelievably and breathing so heavy one would think I just ran a marathon, I know my thoughts had gone to a wrong place. I needed help. I needed to calm down. I went to the phone book. Why can you not find a suicide prevention hotline number in the phone book? I looked in the beginning of the book, I looked under 'S' for 'suicide' and nothing! Even though she didn't know, even though I didn't want to worry her, I had to reach out to my mother.
My mother gave birth to me 39 years ago and that night, Sunday, March 20, 2011, I think she saved my life.